sweet zuzu

 so it has been a heck of a day. i really don't want to ever have another day like today, although i know that if we ever get another dog then it's highly likely that it could happen. i've exhausted myself with thinking of all the last moments...last night, we took her on her "last" walk, which was only to the end of the driveway and then she was spent. she had heard me drop her leash and perked up, but it was short-lived. i enjoyed her warmth on my feet for the last time as i slept--something that has been a constant since she was about six months old. her last time sitting at my feet in the bathroom was about a week ago...all she had done since sunday was sleep, with an occasional water, food, or pee break. she had her last car ride this morning, dropping off lily and ty at school. this has been our ritual for a few months now. she starts barking at me about 15 minutes before we are set to leave and she wouldn't protest if she had to sit in the car that long while we finished getting ready. she was just glad for the assurance of a car ride. so many last moments these past few days that i am grateful now to be done with the anticipation of it all...it was a peaceful passing for her...and much quicker than i expected. her sweet little tongue (was not little) was licking her nose until it was too tired to move. she seemed so calm there...when usually she was a shivering mess at the vet's. some people say dogs know when they are headed "home," but i don't know. if her calmness was any indication, then she must have known...

 i walked in the door this afternoon with the kids and still expected to hear the click click of her feet on the floor. every afternoon the routine was the same. she got to come out to the front yard when we got home from school and spend some time sniffing around where our neighbor dogs had visited. the front yard was a treat and she knew it. the back yard was prison and she would look at me each time i sent her out, indignant,  daring me to nudge her with her foot. lately her trips outside were longer and longer as her kidneys couldn't adjust to all the pain and problems they had...

 i cleaned up her leftover food from her dish and washed out her water bowl. i have no intention of moving those things any time soon, but i think the leftover food would push me over the edge. i have to remind myself that she no longer needs food, just like she no longer is in pain...just a hard thing to wrap my mind around...

we took the kids to build-a-bear this afternoon and they all made dogs names zuzu. i made one too. the kids are all processing at their own paces...it's messy and unpredictable. one minute they are cracking jokes and the next they are literally sobbing. i barely have enough in me to manage my own grief, so it is hard to take on theirs as well. may GOD give me the strength. and now it is quiet around here...too quiet. 

so i hope there's a warm breeze blowing in heaven tonight as zuzu and all the other dogs we've loved are barking up a storm. i know we made the right call and i'm grateful she is not suffering..but i just already miss her something awful. one of my favorite quotes by edna st. vincent millay says this: "where you used to be there is a hole in the world, which i find myself constantly walking around in the daytime and falling in at night..." i pray the hole will shrink over time so that i don't feel so raw and sad.