lily

trying out something fun from picmonkey which let me make my own collage. i will be a bonafide mommy blogger yet!! i realized i had not posted anything after zuzu died...i think i need to crank it up on here. time to open the proverbial curtains and air out this little room. so, that being said, here is a small shoot i did of lily in her costume for musical me theater's "how to eat like a child." my little girl is not looking quite so little anymore! so here's to more blogging--i hope i can deliver on that promise! cheers

sweet zuzu

 so it has been a heck of a day. i really don't want to ever have another day like today, although i know that if we ever get another dog then it's highly likely that it could happen. i've exhausted myself with thinking of all the last moments...last night, we took her on her "last" walk, which was only to the end of the driveway and then she was spent. she had heard me drop her leash and perked up, but it was short-lived. i enjoyed her warmth on my feet for the last time as i slept--something that has been a constant since she was about six months old. her last time sitting at my feet in the bathroom was about a week ago...all she had done since sunday was sleep, with an occasional water, food, or pee break. she had her last car ride this morning, dropping off lily and ty at school. this has been our ritual for a few months now. she starts barking at me about 15 minutes before we are set to leave and she wouldn't protest if she had to sit in the car that long while we finished getting ready. she was just glad for the assurance of a car ride. so many last moments these past few days that i am grateful now to be done with the anticipation of it all...it was a peaceful passing for her...and much quicker than i expected. her sweet little tongue (was not little) was licking her nose until it was too tired to move. she seemed so calm there...when usually she was a shivering mess at the vet's. some people say dogs know when they are headed "home," but i don't know. if her calmness was any indication, then she must have known...

 i walked in the door this afternoon with the kids and still expected to hear the click click of her feet on the floor. every afternoon the routine was the same. she got to come out to the front yard when we got home from school and spend some time sniffing around where our neighbor dogs had visited. the front yard was a treat and she knew it. the back yard was prison and she would look at me each time i sent her out, indignant,  daring me to nudge her with her foot. lately her trips outside were longer and longer as her kidneys couldn't adjust to all the pain and problems they had...

 i cleaned up her leftover food from her dish and washed out her water bowl. i have no intention of moving those things any time soon, but i think the leftover food would push me over the edge. i have to remind myself that she no longer needs food, just like she no longer is in pain...just a hard thing to wrap my mind around...

we took the kids to build-a-bear this afternoon and they all made dogs names zuzu. i made one too. the kids are all processing at their own paces...it's messy and unpredictable. one minute they are cracking jokes and the next they are literally sobbing. i barely have enough in me to manage my own grief, so it is hard to take on theirs as well. may GOD give me the strength. and now it is quiet around here...too quiet. 

so i hope there's a warm breeze blowing in heaven tonight as zuzu and all the other dogs we've loved are barking up a storm. i know we made the right call and i'm grateful she is not suffering..but i just already miss her something awful. one of my favorite quotes by edna st. vincent millay says this: "where you used to be there is a hole in the world, which i find myself constantly walking around in the daytime and falling in at night..." i pray the hole will shrink over time so that i don't feel so raw and sad.

zuzu anne

today is an incredibly bittersweet day...we are taking our time saying our goodbyes to miss zuzu anne, our sweet almost ten-year-old shih tzu. i bet none of you knew her middle name was anne. tomorrow morning she will cross the rainbow bridge and hopefully find uncle bleu, and her old time friends oliver and thor...and maybe my dog tiger from my childhood...and snoopy, my grandparents' dog (who could catch a football in his mouth).

between now and tomorrow morning, we will mourn. we will remember, we will laugh and cry and kiss and hug...and after tomorrow morning, we will continue to do the same, only with a zuzu-sized hole in our hearts

 i just wish i could freeze time...bottle this moment and pull it out on the sad days that i know are going to come...

so i know i will see all my sweet animals again someday, for GOD tells us in the BIBLE that:

"The wolf and the lamb will feed together, and the lion will eat straw like the ox, but dust will be the serpent’s food. They will neither harm nor destroy on all my holy mountain, says the LORD."(Isaiah 65: 25)

noche de gala

just a quick post tonight...too much going on to fully update, but bad things with zuzu (our 10 year old shih-tzu), a bazillion kids' activities, a bazillion adult activities, and not enough sleep. but, one fun thing was noche de gala, which produced the finest photo of the two of us in the last ten years...totally worth all the time and effort

Warby-Parker

 oh man i have been SOOO excited! after my recent visit to my eye doc i confirmed that my glasses prescription had changed and i needed new glasses. oh bummer. since i can't wear contacts i get extremely jazzed about choosing glasses...and this time i wasn't going to the mall. i had bigger plans--grander more altruistic plans...enter warby-parker

 i visited their website and picked out five frames and they shipped them to me free of charge. FREE!! so already i've saved on gas $ from not having to drive to the mall. and then when i opened the box i was giddy...because awesome frames (see above) were inside!

 and then i had five days to try them on...and not to give it away, but the ones above are the winners (but don't tell anybody)--officially they are the langston in whiskey tortoise matte

 i was switching them fast and furious...i wanted lightweight, tortoise shell, square, and sassy...

 these below were almost the winners...i decided against the thicker sides (too similar to an older pair i've worn...)

 and the ones below were almost identical to my glasses from ten years ago--which i LOVED! but i wanted something different this time...

 here they are, sitting in the box, begging to be tried on...

 oh i'm excited all right!!

 so now i've lovingly repacked all the frames and i wll be shipping them back (again, FREE) to warby-parker tomorrow and then i'll be ordering my new glasses!

thanks warby-parker! and the best part is (besides the $95 price-tag, which includes everything): they donate a pair of glasses to someone in need for every pair they sell!! what's not to love?? coming soon: lots of pix of me in my new glasses :)

a new arm...

i have been mulling over this post--half wanting to write it and half wishing i didn't need to...so here it goes. ty started bugging us about 8 months ago to get a new helper hand. we've gone two years since our last visit to shriner's hospital to get his gator one and he never wore it. i was trying to spare everyone the process of creating a new one because the process is lengthy, requires travel, and the arm (although free to us) costs thousands of dollars and i wasn't taking that lightly. after repeated inquiries, todd and i finally made an appointment to begin the process for a new arm. now let's be clear--ty does not need a helper hand. at. all. he does everything a typical kid does using his hand and his nubby. what's not typical is the fact that he is processing his lot in life and i think he has concluded that he got a bum deal. we have talked with him since he was a baby about GOD's plans for him and how awesome we think he is...but the reality is everywhere he goes people stare, make stupid comments, and ask him incessantly about it. daily. there is no hiding for him. no blending. no fitting in. so when he asked for an arm that we all know he doesn't need, i concluded that he was looking for a way to improve his view of the situation. plus, the arm process would involve three trips to tampa with mommy and daddy and other perks along the way. how could we say no?

 i have a deep love and respect for the work that goes on at shriner's. my usual "takeaway" from our visits there is that missing an arm is no big deal. the children that i've seen there (who are treated free-of-charge) have birth defects and differences way more catastrophic than ty's. i'm always very grateful when we are there...

 another "takeaway" is that i'm super proud of ty--he never ceases to amaze me and make me laugh. and he's so intelligent and savvy, too. i also really savor the one-on-one time with him...he thinks he's king of the world when we go to shriner's...

 so several weeks back we made our first visit--the nurse practitioner checked him over, pronounced him healthy and sent us down to prosthetics. we met with brian (who was the prosthetist who made ty's first arm) who casted ty's nubby, took measurements, and took ty back to the lab to see where the magic happens. then we went home and returned to shriner's a week later to try on the "check-socket" and select the fabric for his arm. he chose sharks and specifically he wanted the blue shark to be face up. we returned a week later for arm delivery...

 so this is seconds after ty got his first look at it. he was quite pleased...

 brian worked with him to get it on, although he didn't need much help

 he adjusted the back strap and let ty hang out with it on for a few minutes to see if the fit was good...

 and then he let him enjoy it. and get annoyed with it (because he couldn't pick up small things with it at first)

 but the general feeling he had towards it was positive. plus it looks really cool...like we got him tattooed with sharks...

 after he took off the arm the popped back on the "check-socket," which brian let him keep

 then we went down to occupational therapy. and this is where reality really set in. here was this new cool-looking shark arm that was really just a clumsy substitute for his God-given arm...and ty couldn't make it do what he wanted it to do. now don't get me wrong, he did amazing in his OT session. he accomplished everything the OT wanted him to...but to watch him was almost more than i could bear. i've never seen his face look so determined and i watched as his right hand was obeying all the instructions that his helper hand was ignoring. see ty's brain thinks he has a hand and a nubby--nubbies don't open, close, or do any fine motor things. hands do. and you could just see ty's right hand making the motions he was so desperately trying to make the shark arm do. i kept turning to todd to keep from crying...because usually i don't give a lot of thought to ty's missing hand. but this OT session just drove home that reality like someone hammering a nail into my soul.

 the absolute highlight of the visit was riding this bike through the hospital--all in the name of learnign to use his arm, of course :)

so ty wore his arm to school the day after he got it...and got in the car after school...and took it off...and hasn't worn it since. i have theorized that since he can easily transfer his anger about his lot in life to this new "helper hand" that wasn't so helpful, he can take it off and be angry at it, channeling a lifetime of feelings into a shark-covered device. and if that makes him feel better about himself, or somehow eases the pain of being a six-year-old with only one hand, then it was worth the gas and miles and time and thousands of dollars... i think in the end we will all be better for having gone through these experiences with ty. i just wish that it wasn't so painful during the process.

swamp session...part one

so something has been killing my blog-mojo lately. i have intentionally avoided blogging and can't put my finger on exactly why. this new blog has never felt very homey to me...i liked my old one much better, and even though i could spruce this one up to be like the old one, i just haven't been able to justify the time i would need to spend on something that has been a downer for me lately. i read other peoples' blogs and have continued to reap enjoyment, knowledge, wisdom, and laughter from them...and yet i feel so gosh darn inadequate when i sit down to write...so i just skip the whole thing entirely. i don't want to waste anyone's time...and as an approval addict (recovering), blogging is a ridiculous format and requires thick skin and an "i don't care what you think" attitude, which i seriously lack. I DO CARE!! too much...and when there's no back-and-forth (as there would be on say, facebook), i feel like my writing is being launched into space...(and no, i am not soliciting comments). as an english teacher i would teach students to identify their audience when they would begin a new piece of writing...and yet blogging presents this random, wide reaching, and varied agenda-ed audience that i may or may not know personally. that actually sounds frightening! atleast on facebook i have a bit of control over my privacy...anyway, i am going to try to push through this blogging-funk and post again, as we have had a busy and fun summer (which i completely failed to document on here). so here goes the most recent fun thing...

tonight we had photos done by our friend shandon (of lifeprints by shandon) and i captured a few of my own before we started. we were all pretty excited to be in the swamp and actually ON the field. the kids were WILD (if there were anything more emphatic than caps i would have used it). they were running and jumping and grabbing each other and walking in front of the camera when it wasn't their turn and just oozing energy out of every pore and crevice of their beings. all four of them were like this. this is when the words "epic fail" come to mind as a parent, because here i am in front of someone else with seemingly NO control over my children. and (thanks to the new becky bailey book i have been reading about conscious discipline), i was keeping my own frustration and anger in check so that i would not provide the kids with a million non-examples of what to do when someone is driving you crazy. i kept smiling and working with them, but gosh darn it if i didn't need a stiff drink afterwards. but instead, we went to mochi (as the dangling carrot for good behavior--a line they walked all evening) and those little jokers had the nerve to complain that they didn't like mochi and why did we have to come here and other mind-numbing nonsense that i chose to forget. they are in bed now and i am enjoying breathing deep cleansing breaths :)

 they stood still long enough for a group shot...this was before they got all sweaty...and i forgot a hairbrush for the girls...c'est la vie, right?

 my sweet 8 year old...this is the current smile we get in pictures from her. it's 92% genuine and i'm not sure what she is doing with her mouth. but it captures where we are at right now, so i don't try to force anything else out of her

 these two have bonded lately. i hear them playing together more and more and they aren't crying or tattling nearly as often. they hug after school--unprompted by me-- and have been sharing war stories from their many escapades playing star wars wii...

 this kid...so old...getting a new helper hand (the process begins again on tuesday). he has grown much more articulate as of late (and yet still bursts into tears when he is overtired and doesn't get his way)...but he has also become much more independent...

 and here's miss thang...again she has told me that i am not in control of her (which we discussed in the bathroom at satchel's today, as she needed to hear that mommy doesn't want her saying that anymore (truth hurts)...she requires finesse in my mothering (which requires more sleep than i get) so her hijinks alone leave me rather worn out by the end of the day...but she also swallows life whole--she takes big juicy bites out of life each day and describes them in full color--"mema (what she calls me), today was TOTALLY AWESOME!!!" complete with hand gestures and batting eyelashes

 and my little moon--who asked me the other day why i called him that. i framed it like he was little when he was in orbit all the time (although i left out the part about it still being true). he is so full of questions---what-if questions that are unanswerable. i just plain don't know what will happen if cars had no widows at all or if our car went shooting up to the roof upside down...and he keeps asking...i admire the curiosity and the thirst for knowledge--and this kiddo retains it! he truly has the memory of an elephant! which can work for good or bad, depending on what he is recalling...

 i really dig this photo of us...i can't wait to see what shandon comes up with as she always amazes me at her artistry. not to mention the fact that she uses photoshop and can turn me into a twenty-something :)

all in all it was a great night--but complicated to categorize, as all time spent with my kiddos is fraught with super high high moments and super low low moments and every shade in between. todd and i look at each other a lot, just trying to bear the moment together as we absorb all of the unfiltered verbal spillage of four little people who we are trying to raise properly. parenting it NOT for the feeble...not for the lazy...not for the faint of heart... i continually must keep the future in my sights to make sure the present looks as it should...although they are constantly challenging me to be a better mother, a better wife, a better friend and a better person in general, i enjoy the journey and i eagerly await the day when their eyes look into mine as they parent their own little kiddos and i see the undeniable look of understanding and empathy (much like the look i have given my mother MANY times now)...until then, i suppose i'll just keep blogging :) cheers!